I'm Scared of Myself

So I've started blacking out randomly. Sometimes I've had a few drinks. Sometimes it's just when I take my Ambien. But I think it's my Ambien that's key. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. A psychotic break or alcoholism would be too much to take right now. I know this job is stressing me out. I'm having nightmares almost nightly. I wake up sweating and remembering terrible feelings of dread, fear, and death.

I don't remember making my last blog post. That scares me. I know I've had conversations with people that I've completely forgotten because they remind me of them later. I promise to go places and to do things for people. Maybe my drinking has gotten out of control. Or maybe it's just taking Ambien way too early in my night.

On a positive note, I woke up really early this morning and was quite productive. I picked up my meds for the month and then took myself downtown for a nice walk. Downtown is where most of the tourists congregate because it's where the history is and where the beauty is. And I love to walk downtown. So it's what I did with my morning. And the smells of the houses and the marsh and the feel of the breeze made me so happy. I listened to my iPod most of the way, but when I didn't, I loved catching the conversations of a passerby. Sometimes they were tourists or tour guides talking about the history. Sometimes they were locals, rich locals, by the way, walking their dogs and making small talk. I felt like I belonged and that I stood out like a sore thumb all at the same time. It was refreshing and kind of uncomfortable. But I've heard that you should do one thing that makes you uncomfortable every day. I hear that saying a lot with regards to yoga.

I don't have a therapist and I have a new psychiatrist that I just don't like. I guess it's time to shop for another psychiatrist. And maybe a therapist this time. I just don't like going to therapy sessions. They really bore me. And it's makes me completely uncomfortable to talk about my problems to someone I'm paying. Something about therapy really bothers me. Oh well. Maybe it's time for a change.