I recently hit a milestone birthday. I was not excited about it, but I was determined to make it fun. I wanted to throw a birthday party/get together at a cool restaurant/bar. My sister and I invited a bunch of people and had it published on Facebook. Despite people telling me they were going to be there and RSVPing on Facebook, no one showed up. It was me, my sister and her husband sitting at a big table in the restaurant. I was devastated. It took everything I had not to break down in tears. I realized yet again how unreliable people are. And then I wondered about these people I called friends.
Did I really have any friends? Wouldn't they have been at my birthday party? Am I too old for birthdays? Maybe I'm not a good enough friend and that's why they didn't show up. Maybe no one really likes me. Maybe these voices in my head have been telling me the truth all along. I am nobody, nothing, worthless, unloved, and unlovable.
I know that I stuffed a lot of my emotions that day deep down inside of me. When people had birthdays after mine, I secretly hated them. I hated that people showed up, including myself, for their birthday. I hated that I was alone on my birthday. When people invited me to do things, sometimes I'd make an excuse not to go because they didn't come to my birthday. I can really hold a grudge.
That day truly broke my heart and I'm having a hard time trusting people again. I'm getting ready to move into a new apartment with a new roommate. I'm terrified he'll find out how crazy I am. I'm also making new friends at work and actually spending time with them outside of work. And I'm terrified they, too, will find out I'm crazy. I'm afraid they'll hurt me, disappoint me and break my heart. Is it better to be alone than to have your heart broken by people you thought were friends?
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